A Promise of Forever
by Harligh Quinn
Summary: Nick keeps one promise... but breaks another. Andy deals, oh and Chris is there. Major Feels Inside. Don't say I didn't warn you! Previously a One-shot. Now a Double.
1. Chapter 1

A Promise of Forever.  
**Summary: **Nick keeps one promise... but breaks another. Andy deals, oh and Chris is there. **Major Feels Inside**. Don't say I didn't warn you!**  
Notes:** Somebody requested a fic of where we find out what was in Nicks letter. Truthfully, I am still reeling from last night's episode.

I am praying that this season's ending is absolutely NOTHING like this fic.

**_If you really want to cry, play Rose Cousins 'One way' while reading this. But don't say I didn't warn you._**

* * *

_"I break where you bend, I take what you send;_

_And we both pretend, that I start where you end."_

**-Rose Cousins 'One Way'**

Seated in a quiet corner of the hospital waiting room Andy sat, unable to move as Frank's words repeated in her mind.

"_4 officers were critically wounded today, but only one hadn't made it..."_

The shock of the day weighed heavily on her as she replayed the events; wishing, not for the last time, that she could somehow go back. Do it all over again, change something… change anything. Do it the right way. All of it.

Then maybe everything would be different, maybe Ni…

Letting out a muffled sob Andy clutched her mouth and stopped her train of thought. She just couldn't. Not now, not yet. They were supposed to have had time. He was supposed to have _all the time in the world_…

Involuntarily, a flash of the moment where Ford's gun went off echoed through her mind. _Why?_ Why didn't she move? Why didn't she jump in front of him? Push him, shield him, anything...

A million other scenarios played through her head as she grasped her head. She didn't know how long she sat there in the hospital waiting room just agonizing over it until she herd someone call her name. Looking up she saw Chris standing in front of her, somewhat timidly as he took in her red rimmed eyes, running nose and wet cheeks. She did nothing to try to hide her agony.

There was nothing left to hide she mused sadly.

"I know you're still going through something, we all are..."

He started as he looked in the direction of rest of the officers in the waiting room. They all wore expressions similar to his own, but Andy couldn't tell if what she felt now could at all compare. Because right now she felt like the other half of her soul was missing. And there was nothing she could do to bring it back.

Turning back to her Chris fished something out of his pocket before continuing.

"But he left something for you, in his vest. I saw him writing it, I thought he might have wanted me to give it to Gail; I didn't know you two were …_ I didn't know_."

He finished lamely before reaching out to hand her a white envelope with her name on it.

Shaking her head vehemently she looked away sobbing, unable to take it from him.

'_I can't Chris…please I just-I can't-don't make m-"_

Snatching the letter back he put his hands up in mock surrender.

"Hey, hey. Shh, it's okay. You don't have to. We can just put it away, and you can read it when you're ready. Alright… You can take all the time in the world."

At his words, Andy couldn't help look back at him as if she had been sucker punched as all of the wind was knocked out of her, before letting out a strangled sob that left her reeling. Pitching forward, she almost collapsed but luckily Chris caught her. Steadying her Chris took a seat on the bench next to her and held her. Slowly he rocked her back and forth as he brushed back her bangs. Letting her cry until there were no more tears left.

It was only then she whispered.

"_Can you… I mean, could you read it to me? Please."_

Looking down at her Chris carefully searched her eyes before nodding slowly. Unfolding the envelope Chris slowly took it out, and started reading.

_Hey Andy, _

"_If you're reading this then it probably means I broke my first promise to you… And for that I- am so sorry, because that's not something I ever wanted to do to you. Break my promises..."_

Pausing, Chris cleared his throat before continuing.

"_I guess you could say in the past I was never sure where I was headed. I never stayed in one place for long. I never had a place to call home…My parents died young, and I never talked about it. I never really got past it. I just lived my life assuming that's what happens to people you love…"_

Turning to look at her Chris watched her carefully as fresh tears sprung from her eyes before finishing.

"_They die… and they're just gone, and there's nothing you can do about it."_

"_But I wanted you to know, I didn't know what I was doing before I met you. I do know I was lost, I was broken and in a lot of ways homeless. But the six months we spent living together. They were the most amazing, perfect, happy, months of my life, and I didn't think I would ever get to feel that way again until you told me __**'that it was worth it'**__, __**'that we were worth it.'**_

_Andy, I don't know if you realize this, but you changed my whole world with those five-little-words. _

_Suddenly, everything I had lost as I child, everything I ever wished for, I found in you. You became home. You were my home. You made my life worth living, and you brought me back to life."_

Stopping, Chris took a deep breath, unsure if he could continue as tears blurred his own vision. Still, knowing that Andy was waiting on his every word. He forced himself to finish.

_"So I want to say thank you for that. Thank you for sheltering me, thank you for being my friend, and thank you bringing me home and giving me everything I was missing. And I know I said we had all the time in the world and I wasn't going anywhere, and I tried to take my time… Really I did. But I just had to let you know at least once. _

_I love you Andy McNally. Always and forever. I promise."_


	2. Blank Page

**Summary:** In which Nick leaves one last surprise for Andy…

**Notes:** I actually started working on this PRE-finale. I didn't like how sad the previous chapter was, so changed this to a 2-shot to provide a little hope. After the finale... well... lets just say I was only that much more inclined to give a 'happy ending' so to speak.

I still think that last episode was a cluster **** of bad writing and plot lines. I will hopefully, (if the plot bunnies haven't forsaken me) take a stab at fixing Tassie's mess.

**As always please review. I love hearing your feedback. **

* * *

"_I'll go on, tell you I was wrong.  
dear love.  
Start again, find a new sketch_  
_dear love."_  
**- Sia 'Blank Page'**

It was her first day back at work.

Or rather, _it was supposed to be_ her first day back at work.

In the wake of Nick's death Frank had given her three weeks paid-time-off after learning of their budding relationship – correctly deducing that she _might not_ be ready to report back to duty.

They —_the white suits from headquarters_— had told him, three weeks should be "more than enough time" given the circumstances; Circumstances being, they weren't married, they weren't engaged, and as of official record, they weren't even dating…

_In the eyes of everyone else they had been nothing to each other._

And yet, instead of getting ready she sat prone on the edge of her bed dressed in her robe, while hot tears carved oceans down her cheeks. In her hands she clutched her freshly pressed uniform. The one she couldn't quite bring herself to put back on no matter how hard she tried; all the while desperately trying to remember if it had _ever _been this hard to.

_Perhaps she just hadn't noticed it before. _

Was the fabric _always_ this itchy? And the weight of it…When had the uniform become _so heavy_? And what about the collar? _Why was it so tight now_? She couldn't _breathe_ with it being that tight. The dry cleaner must have done something to it she told herself; that's the only explanation that made any sense: The dry cleaner must have used the wrong starch, and now her uniform was _too_ itchy, _too_ heavy and wouldn't fit right… So how on Earth, could she be expected to pull it together when even her uniform didn't fit right

It was simply ridiculous… It was the most ridiculous piece of crap Andy had ever heard.

…It was also the same reason why she didn't go to his funeral two weeks ago.

But at that time, instead of getting dressed she sat on the floor of her bedroom clutching the pillow he had used and tried to remember the scent of him, the gentle feel of his stubble against the crook of her neck, the deep timber of his voice in the morning just before getting out bed… asking her for '_five minute more…just five minutes_'.

And oh, what she wouldn't give, to grant him those five minutes now…

Closing her eyes to the impending onslaught of tears she was just about to give in to them when the phone rang. Startling, Andy shook herself out of her reverie to glance at her cell screen. The name 'Diaz' splashed across the screen. And for a moment she debated not answering but she knew from the past few weeks experience doing that would only result in him showing up at her door.

Taking a few deep-calming-breaths she answered.

"_Hey, Diaz."_

"_Where are you!? Parade ended 5 minutes ago."_

He sounded frantic.

For the life of her, Andy wished she wasn't the reason for that. She wished that she didn't have a reason to be like this. Wished she could tell Nick she loved him… just once. Wished she could give him back the time that was stolen from him, _from them_. Unfortunately however, it seemed she had a lot of wishes that were going unheard these days. Covering her eyes she fought hard against the guilt and the fresh tears which she could feel prickling the back of her eyelids and tried to keep her voice steady.

"_Oh? I hadn't noticed the time…"_

Her voice broke as she spoke, but Chris either didn't acknowledge it as he pressed on.

"_Do you need me to come through and pick you up?"_

"_No, I—"_

Unable to stop herself she broke down into quiet sobs. Envisioning herself back at 15, in the place where she watched him die… it was too much.

"_**Andy**__, you're __**killing**__ me here…"_

"_I know, I'm sorry… could you—could you just tell Frank that today's really not a good day and I-I'm not ready, and maybe tomorrow… Tomorrow I'll be better, I promise. I just need some more time … because I really don't think I can—"_

Her voice trailed off as her sobs overtook her ability to speak.

"_Okay, okay. I'll let Frank know tomorrow… Just please, don't cry anymore."_

Sniffling sadly Andy wiped nose before tearfully agreeing.

"_Okay."_

"_I'm also going to call your mom and have her stop by. Alright?"_

"_Okay. Thanks Chris… really. "_

Hanging up the phone Andy collapsed back on her bed; immediately seeking refuge in the one place that still lingered with them. Drawing the covers up high above her head, she tearfully replayed images of their last morning together in her mind, as she waited for her mother to come make it all better.

* * *

Despite her promise to him, it actually took three _more _weeks, a new dry cleaner and Diaz agreeing to be her personal chauffeur to get her back to 15.

The whole way there Andy couldn't shake the nauseous slightly agitated feeling in the pit of her stomach that just wouldn't go away. Chris must have noticed her discomfort because as he parked the wagon, he turned to address it.

"It's going to be okay Andy. We're going to get you back into a routine and just take it one step at a time. Okay?"

Not trusting her voice at the moment, Andy just nodded while keeping her eyes focused on the uniform in her hands.

Then taking a deep breath, Andy focused on fighting the acidic feeling rising in the back of her throat as Chris grabbed both their bags and walked around the car to open her door. Having no choice, Andy stepped out of the car to look at the doors of the division she once called her refuge. Outside a few familiar faces came and went and Andy realized for the first time, that it'd been almost 6 weeks since she'd seen anyone from the precinct aside from Traci, Chris, and Dov occasionally.

Not that she had blamed anyone.

They had all been pulling double duty dealing with the injuries of Chloe, Oliver, Sam. According to Chris, Oliver, and Sam had recently released but Chloe still sat in a medically induced coma. The doctors had told Dov it was too risky to wake her up now, but so far she had beaten all the odds…

Which was a good sign for her chances of making a full recovery.

Knowing this, Andy couldn't help but feel relived. She didn't think could face any more death. Especially not from someone who had actually taken the time to know Nick and see what she saw in him. Now more than ever, she needed to know Nick's memory would live on in the world.

She hated thinking she was the only one left who loved him.

Looking up at Chris she met his expectant gaze, before he reached out his hand to her and asked.

"You ready to do this?"

Pausing, Andy glanced down at his hand then back at 15 before answering.

"_Yeah."_

Taking his hand they walked in together.

Inside, it was like nothing had changed. People still came and went, work went on, windows had been replaced and walls had been repainted but for the most part, everything looked exactly the same.

So much so, that she almost expected him to come walking up to hand her, her morning coffee.

3 sugars, half cream half skim. Just the way she liked.

_But he wasn't, and he never would again. _

And if she wasn't already feeling nauseous, that fact alone would have been enough to churn the tidal waves of bile that were rising inside of her gut. Faulting in her step Andy stopped in her tracks. When Chris turned to look at her she just closed her eyes and raised her index finger indicating she needed a moment.

Taking several deep breaths she used the mental exercises her mother had practice with her. Hearing her mother's voice telling her to just 'focus on one thing you want to accomplish right now, and breathe'. _Focus and breathe… Focus and..._ Opening her eyes she managed a small smile before nodding for him continue while she just focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

And when then in the locker-room she focused on suiting up, purposely leaving her collar unbuttoned to make sure she could breathe. And in parade she focused on listening to Frank and not the butterflies fluttering in her belly. And even later, when Andy had been assigned to desk duty for the day she focused on accurately filling and filing paperwork.

It was good though.

The nauseated feeling that she had in her stomach seemed to settle down, and it took her out of her thoughts for a few hours. She had barely even thought about him; that is until Gail walked up. For her part Andy did her best to stay focused; as she continued her paperwork while Gail worked up the courage to talk to her. And though they hadn't really spoken to one another since Gail's visit to the ER Andy couldn't get Gail's words out of her mind since Nick's passing.

_This is your karma._

It was part of a viscous cycle of anger, grief and guilt. Whenever she got around to feeling guilty about losing him there was Gail's face popping up in her mind, reminding her that _this_ was her karma. This is what she deserved for falling in love with Nick after their relationship had failed…regardless of whatever Gail or Nick had contributed to its demise themselves.

Suffice it to say, it was _that_ train of thought that usually lead to anger.

And judging by the rampant quickening of her own heart rate, she wasn't feeling too guilty right now. Clenching her fist under the desk Andy did her best to ignore Gail while she continued her paperwork. Unfortunately for Andy, Gail wasn't taking the hint.

"_Hi."_

Without looking up at her Andy responded.

"Hey."

"It's good to see you back …I-"

"_Can we not."_

The response was out of her mouth before she could think better of it, as she continued to fight against the sudden resurgence of nausea. Standing quickly to move to the filling cabinets behind her Andy also found that she was suddenly dealing with an acute case of vertigo. She was so disoriented almost missed Gail's response as she focused on remembering he mom's advice.

"_I'm just trying to be nice."_

Furiously whirling to face her Andy met Gail's eyes for the first time in over a month.

"_Why?!_ _Didn't you say that this was what I get?"_

For her part Gail had the conscious to look guilty. Still Andy was not assuaged, and as her blood pressure spiked so did her voice.

"This is my karma,_ remember_. Watching Nick _die in my arms_ is what I get for-"

Suddenly that nauseated feeling she had been fighting all morning resurged with a vengeance. Unable to stop herself, she unexpectedly vomited all over the floor and the desk.

"_Andy!"_

Carefully rushing to her side Gail steadied her before signaling for the others who had hurried to help, to call a medic as Andy slumped to the floor disoriented. The last thing she remembered before passing out was pushing her away and saying

"_Don't… my karma."_

* * *

She was only out for a few minutes but it was enough for Frank to freak out once he had heard. But instead of sending her home for they day he ordered her to go to the emergency room and not to report back until she was medically cleared for duty. He also assigned Gail to escort her seeing as she had been standing right there. Despite Andy's assertions that it was unnecessary, and she could go by herself Frank only doubled down on his order, threatening suspension for _both_ of them if they didn't follow his explicit orders.

"_Everything has to be by the book now." _He told them.

It had been just enough to shame Andy into silence.

The ride to the hospital has been an extremely quiet one; neither of them willing to risk another scene like the one at 15. Unfortunately, Gail had to pull over twice on the way to the ER so that she could throw up. And while Andy realized emotionally, she was teetering on the verge of a mental breakdown, there was a jarring moment in which she realized for the first time, she really might not be doing alright _physically_.

For a brief moment she wondered if it was possible to die of a broken heart. And if not, could a guilty one finish the job.

When they finally reached the hospital Andy quietly sat as Gail switched off the ignition.

"Thanks for the ride. I can do the rest on my own."

It was a peace offering of sorts. Andy hoped she would take it without further argument.

"I didn't mean what I said, Andy…Honestly I was upset and I said horrible things-"

Turning to look at her Andy did her best not to cry.

"Don't worry about it. It's not your fault Gail. None of this is."

What Andy left out was _'its mine'_ but somehow they both heard it.

"_He loved you._ He wouldn't want you doing this to yourself. He wouldn't want you killing yourself over something a deranged psychopath did."

Turning away Andy tried to blink away the tears prickling her eyes. A few moments of silence passed in which neither one of them said a word. Until Andy tearfully spoke up.

"Could you… Could you please ask Chris to pick me up after shift this will probably take a while."

"Sure."

Turning to look at her, Andy smiled.

"_Thanks, and I am sorry…_ _for everything. You'll never know how sorr-"_

Cutting her off Gail gently reached over to squeeze Andy's hand.

"Don't mention it. Just get better."

Nodding affirmatively, Andy wiped her tears before exiting the vehicle and going in to the ER. Once inside she filled out the necessary forms and waited for her turn. Thankfully, having all her gear on seemed to expedite the time it took for the nursing staff to get to her. She soon found herself in a curtained off room while the doctor went over her symptoms.

"So you've been feeling nauseous and had a fainting spell?"

Nodding, Andy debated how much to share.

"Yeah, just today really, it's my first day back at work since my—"

She trailed off not sure what to refer to him as.

"_my partner died."_

There was something in the way Andy said it that left no room for doubt as to what type of partner Andy was refereeing too. Picking up on this doctor Stevens didn't think twice to offer her condolences.

"I am so sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a very difficult time for you."

Andy could only nod in agreement as tears slipped down her cheeks. Not wanting to press her too much on such a sore subject doctor Stevens kept her questions related to Andy's health.

"Have you been sleeping okay? And what about eating habits? My chart says you weigh 126lbs that's down from 134 the last time you were here for a grazed bullet."

Shrugging Andy tried not to act shocked at the 8lb weight loss over the past 6 weeks.

"I manage about 4-5 hours a night I guess…and my mom usually brings something by; I guess I haven't had the same appetite as before."

While Andy spoke the doctor just ticked off something on his medical pad and nodded.

"…And what about your last menstrual cycle? When was the first day of that?"

For a moment Andy blanked. Not expecting the question, and not sure of the answer for herself. Unsure she said the first thing that came out

"I guess the 11th."

Looking up from her pad to the calendar on the wall which showed the 16th doctor Stevens paused.

"Of _this_ month?"

"Yes…wait no… I think it was last month, or maybe the month before. I dunno I can't remember."

Andy felt flustered. She must have sounded that way too because doctor Stevens seemed to back off.

"That's okay Ms. McNally. Sometimes stress causes hormone levels to fluctuate. You might have just skipped a month."

Sighing heavily Andy smiled as best she could, trying her best to ignore the fluttering feeling in her abdomen.

"…If it's all the same to Ms. McNally, I'd like to take urine and blood sample to make sure everything is okay. You can use the results to give to your boss and have you cleared for duty. That sound alright with you?"

Nodding Andy replied.

"Sure."

During the next hour Andy gave both samples and asked the staff if she could visit Chloe in her hospital room. They staff agreed and let her in. Once she got in the room and saw Chloe laying there with all the breathing tubes and IV's, she couldn't help but think about the last time they spoke to one another, Chloe's unabashed excitement for a double date; the pained and vulnerable expression on Chloe's face as she went down… the subsequent events that followed. It was a day of nothing but surprises. Anything and everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

And Andy would never forgive herself for her role in it.

Still, for some reason, she couldn't get Nick's voice out of her mind, and the words he said to her the night before he died while they were laying in bed:

"_When it's dark enough you can see the stars."_

It had been a toss away comment he had made after turning off the lights and pinning her to the bed and showing her a whole different set of stars.

Still his words stayed with her and gave her hope that maybe there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. Taking Chloe's hand in her own she said a silent prayer. That Chloe would be ok. And that Nick, where ever he was, would watch over them and bring them all just a little bit of peace.

Suddenly feeling very exhausted, Andy settled back in her chair to take a nap, when doctor Stevens came in.

"Hi Officer McNally, sorry to disturb you, but I just wanted to let you know we did a rush on those lab results for you rather than forcing you to wait for them by mail. Good thing we did...seems that some congratulations are in order for you Ms. McNally."

Looking up curiously at the doctor Andy couldn't help but feel a little confused.

"_What? Why?"_

"Take a look for yourself."

Striding over to where Andy sat doctor Stevens handed her a paper before turning to go. When doctor Stevens got to the door she stopped and turned back to Andy.

"You know, it never ceases to amaze me."

"What?"

"How _surprising _and miraculous life is. Just when you think all hope is gone, there it is. In the last place you expected to find it… Make sure you follow up with your doctor as soon as possible, and good luck."

Confused Andy looked down to the results of her lab results, as the doctor left. Quickly reading down the entire list of things they had tested her for everything came back negative except for one. After spotting it, it only took mere seconds before her eyes were filling with water and her hand was flying to her mouth.

Yes, life is just full of surprises and apparently so was Nick Collins. Because written in bold caps next to the word 'positive' was Nick's biggest surprise of all:

_Andy McNally was pregnant._

* * *

**_Well? Did I lose you, What did you think? Review. Review Review._**


End file.
